I want to apologize to everyone who had checked out my store then came back to find nothing. It's been a rough 4 months and includes many different problems that if I did name them all some of you might wonder why I even bother. The new challenges are a broken furnace and a degenerative arthritis diagnosis. Both of which are hitting me hard financially, emotionally, and physically to the point that I am in a very odd mood. I am still trying to go through life, or at least it looks like I am, but honestly I don't care anymore. After all if what I do to the best of my ability with all the knowledge I have gained in 50 years is not good enough then what is the point in trying.

1. I am grateful that I have the technial skill to walk my mom, who is 75, through accessing The Christmas Devotional from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints so she could listen to it. Yes, I was extremely annoyed with her phone call because I was trying to decide if I was physically capable of working my shift on Monday as a CNA Manager. I was also sulking and getting frustrated with myself because everything I have slowly been building has crumbled again. But, I had to step back from that edge and help my mom watch something she has been anticipating.

2. I am grateful that the winter weather in Utah has been warmer than usual; even though, it's not good ecological speaking. However, I live in a trailer and in colder weather things freeze quickly and can burst. My furnace is broke and I have been running 4 space heaters to keep my place somewhat comfortable. 2 of them are pointed at pipes in the kitchen and bathroom to prevent pipes bursting. It seems to be working along with the warmer weather.

3. I am grateful that I absolutely can not stand the holidays, I just can not find anything about them to find joy, happiness, or peace. I just can not stand the noise, the greed, the rude people, the traffiac, but mostly the fakeness of it all. I just can not understand the societal or culural behaviors around the holidays. But I try. I put up a Christmas tree and decorate the porch. I buy and wrap presents. I attend Christmas parties and sing songs. I might even make Wassail. But inside my soul, I die a little every year. The really sad thing is I know I am not the only one that feels this way. They, like me, are afraid to mention how they feel about the holidays because we don't want to be ostricized by society.

Someone that I greatly admire told me last week that I was scrappy. She then quickly apologized thinking that would offend me but she was trying to find a word that described my personality. I started laughing and told her that I am not offended by being described as scrappy because I am. Sometimes to the point that I can and do get myself in trouble. Usually when I am pointing out an idea or belief containing misconceptions like males having long hair does not necessarily equal evil human beings. That one got me kicked out of my religious classes for a bit.

I fight every day to get out of bed then I fight every day to go to work or to function as a human being. I fight myself every day over my self worth. I fight myself everyday to find at least one task I can complete. Just to say I did something that day. I fight every day to find something that makes me happy or brings me joy. I fight every day to make someone else happy when I am not. Being called scrappy was a reminder that when I stand up to fight there is nothing that I can not do.